Merry crisis and a happy new fear… I am constantly seeing that graffiti on Tumblr and Instagram every year. Somehow, there are always some edgy teens on my feed. They find it unique, even provocative, to post this kind of stuff every winter holiday. Is it bad? No, I was just like them back in the day. Was it irritating? Maybe, because it was pretty much relatable this year.

It was few days before The New Year’s Eve. I thought about inviting that one girl, Lina. Lina isn`t actually her name, but it’s the name of character from my book, heavily inspired by her. So, I was about to invite her to my friend’s place and meet the New Year together. Unfortunately, she was feeling really depressed and unstable so in the last moment she decided to go to Lviv for 3 weeks. She has friends here and loves that city. We were standing on the railroad platform and I gave her the ring I was offered from AliExpress, that was too tight for any of my fingers. It was a bootleg replica of the famous claw-like ring by Vivienne Westwood. The main heroine of my favorite anime, Nana, was seen wearing exactly the same one. She took my ring and got on train. She had to stay at her ex-boyfriend’s house, but I was definitely okay with this. Despite strong and mutual feelings, we are just really close friends.

Overall, I was okay. I was about to meet my friend and then to visit her group mates. She told me that they could be a little snobbish, as most of the cultural studies students, so I would add some chaotic vibe to the party and fix the overall atmosphere. I agreed. We decided to throw a big party, make so many fancy food and pop champagne all the way. I contributed pretty much to a party budget, but barely touched the food, concentrating on red wine more. “Lina and I are definitely won’t be together.” That wasn’t just my apprehension, it was a fact, it was inevitable and I couldn’t do anything about this. Just to wish her all the best and to be happy that she was happy.

President’s speech was really extra. Everything looked like a scene from a movie about Russian mafia. Enormous tables, expensive drinks, tasteless dresses on women and even more tasteless costumes on men. Now, with this Balabanov-esque clownery, the whole “merry crisis and a happy new fear” thing started to make sense. The rest of the party went pretty cool, I was discussing stuff with these culturologists, insisting on the importance of punk revolution in Ukrainian literature and listening to good music.

I woke up anxious; it was about eight in the morning. “I am so sorry, but we reunited. I really appreciate you as a friend though,” that was her message. “Nevermind.” I always struggled with appropriate responses. My friend and I left the apartment where the party was on and went to the subway and then to our homes.

I accidently remembered how much money I paid and how little food and beverages I consumed due to anxiety. They definitely had about three bottles of champagne left on the table. I easily could claim to have one. I paid for them. But I was too confused to think of it. So, I had a drive home, hungry and anxious, and what is the worst, stone-cold sober.

“Merry crisis and a happy new fear,” as the youngsters say.