(criminal story)

This night was the most mortified in the life of Oisin O`Wooley, a fair-haired rugger-bugger fella from Muckanagheddauhaulia, Galway. Being stuffed up to ears with Saint Patrick`s Day delira and exira, still plunged in the craig party twists with gas dances and Irish baseball, lol songs and Irish goodbye, hilarious fistfighting and cheery courtney, Oisin barged in his gaff den like an Irish docker on payday. His body just refused to obey any orders. While falling like a log on his couch, the only thing he could barely do was to click ‘Kill Bill’movie on his old Tv box…

In a while he heard the voice of Uma Bride telling on his ear, “I am gonna ask you questions. And any time you don`t give me answers, I am gonna cut something off!” Uma took a seat on his couch and took one of his fingers…

“Wow, wow, wow! Mar Dear Bitta Fluff! You are not my floozie and I am not your boyo! I will knack your melt in wee doll!” Oisin jumped up and grabbed the knife of Uma Bride with his bare hands. “Throw your wet-hen-gabbage out of your head and listen to me, attentively! I am a touchstone guy from Muckanagheddauhaulia, chick! Yakuza bosses live in Japan, and here you can find out just only one or two fellas from The Rathkeale Rovers community!”

Bride took her knife away and looked at Oisin skeptically, “Your local gangsters, right?”

“They are the toughest guys in the world! Yesterday, I celebrated St. Paddy with Jerk O`Kay, one of theses shams, so he drank 12 pints of Guiness in one sitting!”

Uma smirked a little, “I like to be unexpected, so I need two Irish stand-up fellas and together with Quentin, like Four Horsemen of Appocalyplis, we outta crash the yakudza office in Berlin with O-Ren Ishii, Vivica, and Bill protected personally by Gogo Yubari schoolgirl.”

“A schoolgirl?” Oisin hiccupped.

“Yeas, there will be Gogo Yubari schoolgirl with her elite assassins!”

“Elite? Mar dear! I `ll call Jerk O`Kay in a sec. We`ll bust their dials and pan their asses out together!”

“Should I buy something to equip you?” Uma rose from the couch of her Irish fella.

“Yea, a barrel of Guiness and two Skean Dirk Daggers…”

All the night long Uma and Oisin, Quentin and Jerk chased O-Ren Ishii and Vivica, Bill and Gogo Yubari… All the night long O-Ren Ishii and Vivica, Bill and Gogo Yubari tracked Uma and Oisin, Quentin and Jerk…They fought with fists and kicks, knives and katanas, revolvers and frying pans, nunchakus and coffee pots…However, who can stand against Irish courage, New York top model and Psycho from Hollywood! All rivals got a worthy knuckle supper!

Just only at the crack of dawn, Oisin found a place to hug bloody-handed and shaggy-haired Bride on a kitchen table with suchi dishes…He gifted her an empty Irish whiskey flask, and she stretched out an ancient golden Japanese signet ring…Her shivering lips were so frightened and, at the same time, so fanciful…They whispered passionately, “You and I have unfinished business…”

After throwing away the deeply cut bodies of yakuza fighters, dead beat Quentin and Jerk just plummeted in Japanese antique armchairs. Quentin found a notebook with a pen and started writing frenzily a new blood-chilling novel, as for Jerk, he uncorked a barrel with foamy Guiness beer…

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The yucky and never-ending mobile phone call forced a still banjaxed Oisin to get up from his gammy couch. Oisin looked at his wall clock with irritation, “What a thick sham could call me at 9 am after St. Paddy fest?” To his surprise in his haymes gaff there was nobody – no Uma, no Quentin, no bloody bodies and even no Jerk O`Kay…However, an old golden Japanese signet ring was sparkling on his little finger…

“Bride or Quentin?!” O`Wooley shrieked out in the mobile phone. “Where are you?!”

“Alright mate! Fluthered Chancer! That`s me Jerk. Yesterday you broke the nose of some Japanese guy who sought adventures in our pub… ”

“Eh?”

“You yelled that he told some shit and you gonna make yougurt from his face and ears! After that you broke his nose and took his golden ring as the compensation for your injured knee…”

“Eh?”

“Our cops detained him. He turned out to be a Yakuza man with many crimes behind his back …”

“Eh?”

“Take a Joe Maxi, I mean taxi, and be here in an hour! Cops gonna give you some reward!”

“Cops? Are you codding me?”

“Nope! St.Patrick`s Day keeps going! Be ready for delira and exira part 2! Besides, don`t forget to pop in church to purify your brains… What Quentin and Bride did you mention, eh?”