(essay)

If you are reading this, then you know about my death. Why exactly you? I understand that you and I have never been close. We can’t even be called friends. That is why I am writing to you. Because those who are dear to me won’t stand everything that is written in this letter, directly from me. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the courage to speak about it in my lifetime. But I want to leave with a calm soul and a clear conscience. There will be feelings and events that my closest friends should know about. Perhaps, some people, having learned what is written here, will cease to consider me their friend. So let it be. I don’t want to bury my lies with me. Phew. A little bit nervous. OK. Getting started.

Anna. I’m sorry we ended our communication so suddenly. Yes, I understand that your moving caused us to no longer see each other. But that’s no reason to lose touch. I’m very ashamed … feeling like I left you at such an important moment for you. I didn’t even know how to support you because I was in pain. I was terribly hurt that the person to whom I devoted most of the day and soul, so abruptly disappeared from my life. Now I’m typing all this, and my heart is crumbling into small pieces. I should have asked how you got there… did you make any friends… what does your new house look like…I should have asked all that. But I was silent. And I will be silent forever.

Maeve. I should have confessed a long time ago… but I was so scared. And I still have some fear tearing me apart. I couldn’t find the right moment. You were always with Evan. If you only knew how my heart skipped a beat from your kisses. How my hands twisted when he gently pressed me during slow dances. How I stopped breathing from your smiles to each other and cute nicknames like “the sun,” “baby,” etc. You asked why I couldn’t give Jack a chance. Because I couldn’t give myself a chance. To give someone else a chance to love…I still don’t know how to tell you…I’d rather let Evan tell you.

Evan. I don’t know what your attitude towards me will be after what is written below. But I can’t take it anymore. I can’t keep it all to myself. You are a very dear person to me. I’m writing to you about this because I know that you will understand me. We have always understood each other in a nutshell. I know that Maeve and I are friends, but… I must confess. Confess my feelings. I hope this doesn’t affect your relationships because I love you very much and I want you to be happy. I love you, but Maeve… I love you, Maeve more than a friend. Well. It’s so relieving. Unfortunately, she will never hear these words in my voice. Forgive me for dumping this responsibility on you. I understand if you tell her “I love you, Maeve” without mentioning my name.

Jack. Damn it, Jack. No need to make a jack out of me or worse. I warned you that there would be nothing between us. I warned you dozens of times. I have been honest and frank with you. So don’t act like an innocent offended lamb. I’m really sorry that we didn’t get to build relationships. And sorry to write my last words to you with such anger. After all, I like you and I value our communication. Aha-ha-ha. Perfect. Now I owe you 50 bucks. Do you remember when we first met, we argued that you would not hear the words “I like you” from me? Of course you do. I’m glad I got to know you so late. I’m glad we’ve been through so much together. Yes Jack. I like you. As a friend! You can also discuss this with Evan. He definitely has something to tell you.

Elizabeth. I never described to you my admiration because of the primitive caustic envy. Admiration for you. Everything always works out for you and somehow you get what you want so easily that sometimes anger poisoned my mind. Anger that why the world is so unfair. Why luck is a stable human trait. Why can’t I get lucky just once?! Everything always goes to you. An apartment in the city center, a well-paid job, a beloved boyfriend, friendly colleagues. I was annoyed by your eternal successes. And at the same time I was admired. You have always been a role model for me in life. And even though I don’t have a life now, I’m glad that such a charming, ambitious bright ray of the ideal has remained in the world. Maybe I’m not the only one who admires you. Keep it up, Beth.

Now I don’t care if you tell my friends about it. But I think if your best friend, who didn’t have time to say the most important and painful stuff, died, you would want to listen to her. Even if it’s done by the lips of another person.

The last request. Don’t give this letter to anyone. Even if my friends beg you for it.

With apologies, me