(fantasy)

(the protagonist of ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’, an American sci-fi romantic drama film )

Yulia: “Hi, Clem. Today I want to talk with you about self-love and relationships.”

Clementine: “Hello, ok. It’ll be great.”

Yulia: “So, do you love yourself? What is self-love for you?”

Clementine: “Hmm… Now I can understand it, but for a long time in my past, I was so unhappy without this love. An unconditional feeling of love…an appreciation and acceptance for yourself… What does ‘unconditional’ mean? That no matter what you do, you always love yourself with the same strength.”

Yulia: “Why did you say that? I mean about your past.”

Clementine: “I was scared, I thought that I didn’t deserve love from anyone and one of the ways to have some love was to be bright, relaxed (no matter what you feel), and funny. I had some problems with drugs and alcohol… I got a burning desire to feel alive in any way.”

Yulia: “What were your romantic relationships like at that time?”

Clementine: “Dramatic and painful, toxic and confusing. Too many guys thought that I was a concept, or I just did them, or on the contrary, I just livened them up. But I was just a tired girl looking for her own peace of mind.”

Yulia: “I totally got it. Why do you think guys perceived you that way?”

Clementine: “Because I didn’t know how to behave differently. I wanted to deserve, to get their love, to feel needed. But I chose ways that made me worse, made me feel awful and hate myself even more. I remember when I had a panic attack and was screaming, “I don’t know! I know nothing! I’m lost! I’m scared! I feel like I’m disappearing! My skin’s coming off! I’m getting old! Nothing makes any sense to me! Nothing makes any sense!”

“I lost myself in these relationships, but I still hoped to find someone who would give me a sense living and a bit of peace. But the only person who could do it – it was me. I got bored with all boyfriends and felt trapped because that happened to me many times before.”

Yulia: “Thank you for your trust. This experience is close to many women who are ready to love others when they have not yet learned to love themselves. How did you start to change it?”

Clementine: “I realized that I did not want to suffer any more. I don’t want to feel empty and abandoned. I want to try to find my calm and peace on my own. It is a long journey that continues to this day. But now I feel whole, I can love the world being myself.”

Yulia: “How could girls get to that Rubicon point and cross it?”

Clementine: “Learn. Read. Discover. Keep searching, and one day you will just get it. It’s like yoga. You practice for a long time trying to get into that one asana. And then one day you do it. You’re in a perfect balance. And from that moment, you remember how to do this pose. Occasionally you might lose your balance, but you know what it feels like to be in the pose – and you can go back.”